It’s December. I can’t believe it. I remember being with friends at Christmas and then sitting at home with S at New Year watching the fireworks like it was just yesterday – where has this year gone?! I say this every year, but this year has been especially fast.
Like every year prior to that, our year generally started with the arranging of when my cycle was meant to begin, it was no different to any other month. AF came and went, so that’s when the OPK’s started. Being a new year made no difference – it was just another month – except that we made ourselves promise at new years that that year would be our year. Sure, we had birthdays and events planned throughout the year that often broke the month up, but every month for us was another month to arrange trying for a baby – and that was it, that was our life.
When you’re TTC, time can help you or it can ruin you. Most of the time it ruins you as it’s not going your way. When you’re in the TWW, it feels like an eternity. Some want time to fly so they get their result – good or bad – and most of the time that was me. I was happy for time to hurry the f*** up as I wanted my BFP! Other times, especially ones with lots of symptoms, I enjoyed the not knowing – or more like the pretend knowing of maybe something has worked and you’re pregnant. The longer AF wasn’t around, the better it feels. You’re in that blissful land of “what if”. You’re still waiting for your result though, just to be sure, looking into every non-symptom that’s there and starting to believe that this month is your month… And then she comes, AF, and it starts all over again. We rushed through every month waiting for our next opportunity to rise.
Despite waiting for an eternity during the TWW, in no time 6 cycles had passed and I’m no where closer than I was before, but looking outside of the word ‘cycle’ is the word ‘month.’ For me 6 cycles was 6 months! Sometimes a whole season or two had slipped by without me realising apart from the fact that I had moved in and out of shorts.
This year will probably be no different, what with time flying, except that something completely alien and out of my control is happening for the first time – we’re having a baby. After 2 and a bit long years of actually trying, god knows how many tries, we’re finally having a baby. I still can’t believe it at times, even with this bump growing. I just always thought we would be a childless couple with lots of dogs. I wasn’t ready to start that life, but I had accepted that that may have been us.
I’ve heard time is something that you desperately hold onto and crave when raising a child, you want to cherish every moment – I’ve seen it a lot lately over at other blogs, mums wanting things to now slow down, and that’s understandable. I’m now in a good place, in the same place as others, I’m happy for things to slow down now. I’m enjoying being pregnant and enjoying the time I have alone with S (something else I probably took for granted when TTC). Although taking it slow will be a fine thing once beansprout arrives; days will become weeks, weeks will become months, now is definitely the time where I would like time to slow down… just for a minute… let me enjoy the time.
This really resonates for me. Or just been wanting the to time to flow as quickly as it could, to get is closer to a solution to our TTC woes, to get us to our donor back in NZ, to get us a new donor through the clinic system, then to find a 3rd donor and them through the system. Then a 4th donor and for that to all work out. Then once we finally got that sorted (3 years after conceiving & losing our first pregnancy) we had to wait (luckily only 2x TWW) to get pregnant again. Then wait to see if I would miscarry again. Now I finally feel like we’ve stopped waiting. We hear the baby’s heartbeat on Doppler yesterday at 11w,2d and we have our 12w ultrasound this Friday. Our baby is alive!! I feel like I can finally enjoy this pregnancy. (Thanks for the concept – I might steal this idea for my latest overdue blog post.) Yippee for us all relaxing into a pleasant wait.
Gosh. There’s me complaining about how time has killed me – I cant imagine what you guys went through. Time must have really dragged! Im so sorry.
At the time, everything moves at a snail pace, however looking back i guess it seems to have flown by now. Its bizarre.
Im really looking forward to reading about the joys of your pregnancy. Although I cant wait for little one to arrive, I’ll happily wait just to read about every second that you’re enjoying.
Steal away! X
Oh lawd I just re read my comment and the typos are atrocious! (Shame) I’m going to blame it on the fact that I was on my phone sitting in full summer sunshine and oculus barely see what I was writing. Guess you got the general gist though. 🙂