Please Stand By (Insert Hold Music Here)…
So after a few stressful few weeks, we finally decided to sack our Donor.
Making this decision wasn’t hard, surprisingly. For a few brief moments, I felt like I was nonchalantly throwing away our only chance of conceiving (I’m sure there is a fancy saying to represent this action), but we’d had enough. For those that follow us on Twitter, where we like to put our smaller, non-blog-worthy moans and groans, we’d had a mare of a cycle.
Before this cycle, we would text D to ask him whether he was free for X date. He’d text back a few hours later to say that it was fine. He may have text us a few days later to ask whether he could change it but, nevertheless, we would have regular contact. Even when we were having our “break” because of the house move, he’d text to check in with us. It was great.
This cycle was no different. As usual, we text D to ask him if he was free, but this time there was no response. Nothing. Not until a few days before the event to say that he actually was free. Phew! However, a few hours before the event, he asked whether he could visit us tomorrow instead. With a quick text from us to say, “No” he was then available again and then paid us a visit.
The visit itself went fine. He was his normal self, and reassured us (or at least tried to) that he still wanted to help us and that he was keen to be involved still. It was as if his poor efforts were non-existent or that he didn’t realise that he had done anything wrong. As much as I wanted to have an argument, I still wanted his goods. Now was not the time to tear him a new one. So he came, and went.
During this visit, we’d also agreed for two deposits this cycle and explained that if there were going to be issues with work, then he should tell us as soon as possible. We also reminded him that we would pay him if the date affected his work but, as usual, he said that he wouldn’t require payment. So, we arranged the second date. Perfect.
The next few days, however, were far from perfect. To cut a stressful story short, he text us to change the original date to the following day, which we agreed to. He then text us on the day to say that he was going to be late, but we were busy with family so we told him “No” to which he then said that he would have to let us know. Then, nothing.
He then had the nerve to text a few days later to ask whether we could still do it on X day. Annoyingly (as I didn’t want to need him), I was still ovulating; so I said yes, but then nothing. An absolute no show. I called him, text him, everything – just incase his phone had fallen down a well or <insert lame excuse here>. I am usually a very good judge of character, so my brain was working overtime trying to figure him and the whole situation out. We just didn’t get it. He had always been so keen to be involved and almost seemed excited about it, so we really really didn’t get his behaviour.
I cannot put words to how both S and I were feeling. It was heartbreaking. I wouldn’t have minded as much if he had just told us that he no longer wanted to assist; we could have accepted and dealt with that (just), I just cannot stand the thought of being messed around unnecessarily. In this day and age, there’s no excuse for poor communication – especially when you have agreed to commit to something.
Thinking about the whole thing, I don’t think he was messing us around on purpose to the point of being malicious, I just think that something genuinely had come up his end, but he just didn’t think to let us know so that we would understand his delays and not think that he was being an absolute ?!@*. Nevertheless, I was feeling far from sympathetic to whatever had come up, so that was it.
We sent him a final lengthy text to explain that we would no longer being requiring his services, explaining that his behavior was unacceptable and that he is caused us copious amounts of stress. We then sent him a confirming email and that was it, we had fired our Donor. It felt liberating, like we were in control, but then the sudden feeling of realisation appeared. We were back at the beginning again. A year gone by, 6 attempts tried and we were as close to conceiving as we were when we first started looking. It sucked. What had we done?
I know deep down that it was the right thing to do as it was stressing us out beyond believe, but I can’t help feeling hopeless. I am hoping that the small amount of time we had with D benefited me so that when we do start trying again it won’t shock my system, which is probably the only positive piece I can take out of the whole process, but I still cannot feel like our time has been wasted.
Wow- tough decision! I can’t believe he messed you around so much. Didn’t he understand what he was getting into when he agreed in the first place. I hope you have better luck with your next choice.
It was indeed! But if we kept him we could have had several more failed attempts which is valuable time and in the long run, wasted time. Better to nip in the bud and stat a fresh, I guess.
I have no idea what he was thinking, I’d still like to know but he never replied! LOL.
Thanks – wish us luck.
It sounds like the right decision. Being a donor entails a bit more than just making a deposit into a disposable cup, it involves doing so on a schedule you don’t control. It sounds like he wasn’t up for that much commitment.
Wow that sounds rough–and definitely the right decision to let him go! I’m curious–how did you end up choosing an actual live Donor instead of going through a clinic & anonymously donated sperm?
My partner and I weighed several options and had asked one of our friends to donate, but in the end it was too big of a commitment for him (and he was scared it would adversely affect our friendship). I haven’t regretted using donor sperm through our clinic because…it really truly feels like it’s just US and our project and not having to involve a third person is really nice. I know it works great for some couples, but for us this was the best route.
I hope you get to get back on the saddle soon and have the success you deserve!
We chose our donor via prideangel.com. It’s a website where you can find donors (the checks, etc. are up to you).
We know what you mean about known donors. We have a few friends that we would ask but at the same time, we don’t want a co-parent. It’s just US.
Best of luck also!! X
Additionally, a service like that would be ridiculously illegal here–plus the law and the danger of the guy deciding he wants to declare fatherhood… too much of a risk, legally.
I really understand wanting to know MORE about your donor than just race, height, and color of eyes and hair. It seems like a lot of work to use a live donor–and especially if you end up the situation you’re in now. I’m so sorry!
I really hope your next donor works out for you!
I’ll keep reading (and commenting!)–Wishing for the absolute best for you!
Ah. I see. Now, because the Mrs and I are civil partners and we’re doing AI and not NI – the donor has very little say over anything. Plus, we can write an agreement to say so.
I think there are certainly good bits and negative bits to both scenarios. I think you just have to weigh it out.
The trouble with the UK is that any fertility treatment you want/need isn’t free if you’re gay, which is annoying. So, I’m certainly envious of places like AUS where it is much easier to get assistance.
Thanks for your comments, it’s nice to chat with fellow ladies in the same boat.
Good job, way too stressful with all his carry on. I did unknown sperm donation and the best thing ever, my daughter totally mine. One of my friends advertised for a known donor, went through a clinic and he signed off not being the father and after baby born claimed fathership. He now has access and sleep over with child. Has cost thousand upon thousands in and out of family court. Good luck with your search for a new better donor. 🙂
We had a donor previously that dropped out at the last minute. Literally sent a text at 1.30am before he was due to visit us the following evening. We’ve only just found another donor 3 years later. It’s a tough process but it has to be right for everyone. Good luck.