So after a few stressful few weeks, we finally decided to sack our Donor.

Making this decision wasn’t hard, surprisingly. For a few brief moments, I felt like I was nonchalantly throwing away our only chance of conceiving (I’m sure there is a fancy saying to represent this action), but we’d had enough. For those that follow us on Twitter, where we like to put our smaller, non-blog-worthy moans and groans, we’d had a mare of a cycle.

Before this cycle, we would text D to ask him whether he was free for X date. He’d text back a few hours later to say that it was fine. He may have text us a few days later to ask whether he could change it but, nevertheless, we would have regular contact. Even when we were having our “break” because of the house move, he’d text to check in with us. It was great.

This cycle was no different. As usual, we text D to ask him if he was free, but this time there was no response. Nothing. Not until a few days before the event to say that he actually was free. Phew! However, a few hours before the event, he asked whether he could visit us tomorrow instead. With a quick text from us to say, “No” he was then available again and then paid us a visit.

The visit itself went fine. He was his normal self, and reassured us (or at least tried to) that he still wanted to help us and that he was keen to be involved still. It was as if his poor efforts were non-existent or that he didn’t realise that he had done anything wrong. As much as I wanted to have an argument, I still wanted his goods. Now was not the time to tear him a new one. So he came, and went.

During this visit, we’d also agreed for two deposits this cycle and explained that if there were going to be issues with work, then he should tell us as soon as possible. We also reminded him that we would pay him if the date affected his work but, as usual, he said that he wouldn’t require payment. So, we arranged the second date. Perfect.

The next few days, however, were far from perfect. To cut a stressful story short, he text us to change the original date to the following day, which we agreed to. He then text us on the day to say that he was going to be late, but we were busy with family so we told him “No” to which he then said that he would have to let us know. Then, nothing.

He then had the nerve to text a few days later to ask whether we could still do it on X day. Annoyingly (as I didn’t want to need him), I was still ovulating; so I said yes, but then nothing. An absolute no show. I called him, text him, everything – just incase his phone had fallen down a well or <insert lame excuse here>. I am usually a very good judge of character, so my brain was working overtime trying to figure him and the whole situation out. We just didn’t get it. He had always been so keen to be involved and almost seemed excited about it, so we really really didn’t get his behaviour.

I cannot put words to how both S and I were feeling. It was heartbreaking. I wouldn’t have minded as much if he had just told us that he no longer wanted to assist; we could have  accepted and dealt with that (just), I just cannot stand the thought of being messed around unnecessarily. In this day and age, there’s no excuse for poor communication – especially when you have agreed to commit to something.

Thinking about the whole thing, I don’t think he was messing us around on purpose to the point of being malicious, I just think that something genuinely had come up his end, but he just didn’t think to let us know so that we would understand his delays and not think that he was being an absolute ?!@*. Nevertheless, I was feeling far from sympathetic to whatever had come up, so that was it.

We sent him a final lengthy text to explain that we would no longer being requiring his services, explaining that his behavior was unacceptable and that he is caused us copious amounts of stress. We then sent him a confirming email and that was it, we had fired our Donor. It felt liberating, like we were in control, but then the sudden feeling of realisation appeared. We were back at the beginning again. A year gone by, 6 attempts tried and we were as close to conceiving as we were when we first started looking. It sucked. What had we done?

I know deep down that it was the right thing to do as it was stressing us out beyond believe, but I can’t help feeling hopeless. I am hoping that the small amount of time we had with D benefited me so that when we do start trying again it won’t shock my system, which is probably the only positive piece I can take out of the whole process, but I still cannot feel like our time has been wasted.

K.