It Started With… An Email: Our Search for A Donor (Part 1)

When we decided to search for a donor via Pride Angel we were very anxious. As mentioned in our Pride Angel review we were concerned as to who was really on there and whether it was safe. Nevertheless, and seeing that no one could really answer those questions, we created a profile and messaged five donors that we liked the look of or had a decent profile for those that didn’t have pictures.

A decent profile cannot be defined simply, however our definition was that we wanted a profile that was detailed (mainly using the health questionnaire) and that it had a decent profile blurb. We avoided anyone who hadn’t taken the few minutes to complete the profile. Simple.

In regards to emails, we cannot stress enough that you are to be in control, so ask as many questions as you want. You need to be comfortable and, if they want to help, they shouldn’t mind. Perhaps start with what you want (donor or co-parent?) and then a few questions about them. These may include health questions: Will they take tests for you? What’s their family history? Or simply: Why do they want to do it? At first it will be difficult to read into them and to trust them, but over time (especially if they’re decent) you’ll get to know A LOT about them.

The weeks went by and we had heard nothing, which really got us down. We couldn’t afford a clinic or IVF, and we had lost our known donor the previous month; Pride Angel was our only hope. On top of this I was still getting negative OPK tests.

One day, however, we got a message in our inbox. It was one of the donors. He firstly apologised for being late and stated he would love to help; we were over the moon!

As emails were exchanged, we found out that this donor already had children, and a wife, and had helped women like us in the past. He sounded great; he was experienced as well as ‘healthy’ in the sperm department looking at his children. However, as more information was passed, he told us that although he had helped in the past and is happy to help us, he kept this secret from his wife.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the way in which a donor goes about his business is none of my concern however I would have assumed that a huge thing like this I would have been shared? As a person I think I would be quite proud if my partner helped less fortunate couples. It’s not like we’re having sex (to be blunt).

The fact that we may be a dirty little secret made me feel odd; I appreciate that perhaps his desire to help may have outweighed causing problems with his wife, but it still concerned me. What if she found out? I know that none of this was of our concern but it was just too much trouble for us to get in to and mixed up in. On one hand he was perfect in the fact that he was to guarantee no contact and that he was experienced but at the same time it wasn’t perfect.

On top of this, he was also not willing to do any tests and also expressed that he would either send the deposit via the post (hang on…) or meet us in a car park somewhere to do the exchange.

Now, you my have thought nothing of the above and to be honest I was almost so desperate to have a child that I probably would have continued to write and learn about Donor 1 (D1) despite what he had mentioned already, but it still wasn’t perfect – not that we had defined perfect, but I didn’t think this was it.

We wanted someone that was approachable and was perhaps interested in things (or even the child) but at the same time kept their distance and did not interfere – we did not want a third parent. Certainly with the deposit process we wanted someone who we could discuss sensitive information with as well as feel comfortable with. With the D1 I felt very cold. I knew the whole matter is very ‘wham-bam-thank-you-mam’ but I kind of expected a little bit more than that – something a bit more personal.

Halfway through the emails between us and D1 we received another email. This was another response from a Pride Angel donor.

To be continued…

K