A Month To Go

In a months time my maternity leave will be coming to an end and I will be returning to work.

The thing is, I don’t really know how I feel about it.

At this very moment, when thinking about returning to work full time, my heart aches and there is a lump in my throat. I don’t want to go back. There, I said it. I want to stay at home with my son and watch him grow.

I have been trying to convince myself that maternity leave is not “normality”. It’s just a section of leave after having a baby.ย For us, “normality” will be dropping T off at nursery and going to work.ย But I don’t want that to be our normality. I want to stay with T. But we can’t afford it.

What if I miss something? What if he misses me? Will he eat? Will he sleep?

I know that nursery will do him the world of good. It will socialise him further and encourage independence. For me, I will get some of my identity back. I can’t argue with that. However, the selfish part of me wants to stay at home with him and keep him all to myself. There, I said it again.

See, I’ve loved maternity leave. I knew I would. Don’t get me wrong, there have been hard times, moments of despair, occasions when I’ve been exhausted. But becoming a mother has been my dream. My goal. So maternity leave was my time to finally enjoy what I’ve been longing for for so long. Become the mother I always wanted to be.

But the trouble with maternity leave is that you fall into this sense of comfort. A routine. Every week is roughly the same. Baby groups, swimming, “play/coffee dates”, library visits. For some, this would be/is hell. For me, it was perfection. I was finally a parent, doing “parenty” things, hanging out with my baby. I loved it. I really did.

At the moment I’m trying to soak up every second, cherish every minute. Not because he’s growing up, that bit is quite exciting now, but because it’s all going to change soon. I wonder if he knows this time we have at the moment is going to end soon? I hope not, I certainly wouldn’t want him to feel the way I feel right now.


7 thoughts on “A Month To Go

  1. Donna says:

    Make the most of the last month at home. Going back to work is hard but it does get easier and within a month or so you’ll have a new routine. You don’t say if you’re going back part time or full time but however much you work, you will have time with your son and that time will be incredible. You’ll pack your working week’s worth of quality time into the time you have at home to make it all extra special. That will become your new normal and you’ll all get used to it. I hope this last month doesn’t go too quickly! x

    • Kate Everall says:

      Hey. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      I’ll actually be going back full time but within 4 days a week that include a Saturday. I’m also going to be doing all lates which saves on childcare.

      Annoyingly, I don’t have to go back full time, I can afford to do part time, but I’m currently going through issues with my job, so incase I’m made redundant I want to make sure I’m doing full time hours so I get a better package. It’s ridiculous. I’m hoping it’ll go my way which means I will then drop a day or two, but for now I’m technically full time (37hrs a week). I’m going to be knackered but at least it saves on childcare!

    • Kate Everall says:

      Argh! Pressed send too early.

      Like you said, I’m really hoping the days i have with T in the week will feel extra special, reserving the fun activities for those days. I’d be interested to know if at changes with me. Thanks again. I appreciate the advice. I’m going to need it. X

  2. Lyndsay says:

    Aah, this has got to be so tough, I really feel for you. Would there be options to go back part time? I guess you just have to enjoy the time you have and make the most of the mornings/evenings around work time when you go back. I know it’s not much consolation but when you go back we will be not just blog friends but colleagues too, I’m always around for a coffee to cheer you up in work times ๐Ÿ™‚

    Lyndsay | Fizzy Peaches Travel and Lifestyle Blog

    • Kate Everall says:

      There’s definitely options to go back part time, work are great, but due to other bloody job issues I’ve chosen to go back full time. Once it all calms down though I’ll definitely be going part time.

      I saw via FB and wondered whether you were “job”. I’m so happy! That’ll be great. I’m going to need as much tea as possible. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Lucy Dorrington says:

    This makes me a little sad. It would be so lovely if everyone who wanted to stay home with their little ones could, but that’s not the reality I suppose. Two things I think will happen; firstly, you will cram all of your current enjoyment of him into the reduced time you have together and, secondly, when you go back, you will remember what you loved about your job and then you’ll have two fab things going on in your life, instead of one! I hope I’m right. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Kate Everall says:

      Awww. That’s a really nice way of seeing this. Thank you.

      I’m definitely hoping my days off with him will be full of fun and not as stressful as I won’t be trying to fit housework in as well as I’ll reserve that for the mornings of the days I’m working.

      I’ve heard quality of time is better than quantity of time, but that’s just so I can make myself feel better. ๐Ÿ™‚

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