When It’s Not Ok To Ask…
Let me just start by saying that I know a lot of the questions we get asked are meant in good nature, that they don’t mean to cause upset, that the people who ask them just want to help or are just curious. I get that. I understand that I am very much a minority still, and for some I may be the first gay parent they’ve ever seen. And on those occasions I’m a little more tolerant.
What I’m not tolerant of though is ignorance.
Ignorance that includes situations where if the tables were turned and the questions we get asked were asked to a straight couple they would be told to get lost.
Let me expand…
The other day, I was chatting to someone and they saw a picture of T. Commenting on how lovely he looked they asked whether we would have another. When I answered that we probably wouldn’t, as the process is quite long and stressful, and we kinda need to ask another party, blah blah blah, they answered;
Could you not just ask a friend?
I politely advised that we couldn’t and ended the conversation.
I was starting to boil.
Pause the conversation right there and ask this question to a straight couple. A straight couple who have perhaps had fertility issues. Would you think the same question would get asked? I don’t think so. So what makes it acceptable to ask someone from a same sex couple this question?
Is it because we deal with the sperm and not the man? Because we don’t. The sperm we used was attached a real human man with feelings, an opinion, and choice. We didn’t just rob him of his sperm. Not only that, there are a HUGE amount of other factors to take into consideration when making a baby. Are they healthy? Can they be trusted? Will this ruin our relationship? DO I WANT TO HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS PERSON?
There’s more to making babies the lesbian way than just sperm – it takes a man, and that man is an important part of the process and cannot just be labelled under ‘just’, because the process is way more than ‘just’. My child is so much more than ‘just’.
So inappropriate – as you say, no one would ask a straight couple that question. Although, when we began fertility treatment, a colleague asked why we hadn’t just asked either of our brothers to donate sperm!
That’s disgusting. I can’t believe how insensitive people can be. Making a baby is more than just the goods. It’s the person.
Love this I have been asked this a few times
I don’t think people get it.
Honesty and truthful
Seriously? I don’t know what goes through people’s heads.
I simply cannot imagine why anyone would even ask that question!! When my friends were having trouble conceiving I wasn’t like “Oh, use my husband, he has good sperm” – madness. Sorry darling xx
Exactly! You just wouldn’t say it. As if it doesn’t matter who or what you use?!
Is it the word ‘just’ you inject to. If they had asked ‘Can you ask a friend?’ would that be better?
Perhaps. I think it’s also the way that they’ve been so nonchalant about asking someone, like it’s nothing.