Ever since I realised I was gay, I always felt I had a strong “identity”.
Before I came out, I liked gaming, comics, and gadgets to name a few things. I enjoyed cooking, walking, and reading. That was me.
After I came out, I still liked those things. That was just me. The icing on the cake was that I finally realised what the extra feelings I had inside me meant. I liked women now in addition to gaming, comics, and gadgets.
On the outside, my short hair, “masculine”clothing, and general boyish attitude made me who I was. I may have already looked like a typical lesbian (not to mention in addition to my typical boyish hobbies) but it wasn’t because I was gay that I wore those clothes, it’s just how I felt comfortable.
I was confident in who I was. What I liked. I wasn’t particularly fond of being put into a pigeonhole because of how I looked, but I had a hole (pardon) nonetheless. I had an identity.
Since becoming a mum, however, I’ve had several conflicts with my identity. It’s been blurred somewhat. I’m still a lesbian. I still like dressing the same. I still like the same things. But because I don’t get to enjoy them as much, because I don’t often look like the K from before motherhood, I don’t often feel like me anymore. I’m T’s mum now.
I go to baby groups, soft play, baby swim, the lot, and although I’m made to feel very welcome, I’m still very alone. I don’t feel like me. Maybe it’s the area I live in, maybe my gaydar is off, but I can honestly say that I haven’t met another same sex parent (in person) since Gay Pride. I feel I’m no longer this comic loving, gaming lesbian. I’m mum. All the time. Making my identity feel very blurred.
On face value this sounds ridiculous; of course lesbians can be mums! Our past has made this possible. Of course mums can be gamers. But what I’m referring to is my identity. Is it still as strong now that I’m a mum? Or has it simply evolved? I guess this post doesn’t have a difinitive answer.
I’m often wondering whether I can be both. I was able to “come out” and keep my hobbies without any conflict, why can’t I seem to do this now I’m a mum?
Does that sound strange? Can you relate?
This post is part of a month long celebration for LGBT history month. If you’d like to get involved, tweet using the hashtag #LGBTHM or find one of your local LGBT groups on Facebook and find out how they’re celebrating LGBT History Month.
*picture credit: hybridtales.wordpress.com