Torture

I’m now sat here, four days from I-Day wondering whether it’s worked, whether anything is happening down there – it’s a bizarre feeling. I get the odd dull pain downstairs and wonder whether that means anything (good or bad!). I’ve read tons of websites and watched loads of videos but at the end of the day it has told me nothing I didn’t already know, ie. I know nothing.

I am probably one of the most impatient person when it comes to something I want (ask me to do the washing up and that’s another story) so waiting for this is like torture.

I am desperately wanting to know the result whether it is good or bad, but at the same time I’m desperately trying NOT to think about it. Discussing it with S, we both like the not knowing part, that way we don’t get bad news and are under the sweet impression that we are, but at the same time we want to know in case it is positive, or so we can start to organise the next visit from the donor.

I am so conscious of everything going on in me and around me; I read into every sick feeling, every dull ache and every sign of possible pregnancy, but then I start to think about the women who don’t know they’re pregnant, who have had accidents perhaps, surely they must feel things going on down below? If so, how are they still none the wiser? Sometimes they’re none the wiser until the decorators don’t arrive – how have they gone two weeks without noticing anything? Perhaps nothing does happen and my stupid brain is creating these feelings because I am looking out for them… Yep. That’s probably it.

This is torture.

K