The Week That Just Wasn’t Ours.

So Aunt Flo has come and gone following our last try. As expected, after a delayed ovulation, AF came right on time two weeks after actual ovulation. I’m always intrigued by how the body just ‘knows’ what to do at the right time. I wish it could tell us when it’s good and ready to get pregnant, but obviously the ‘too difficult’ light comes on for that one.

Although it was bit of a shocker at the time; seeing as we pretty much hit the nail on the head when it comes to timings, it shouldn’t really shock us by now seeing as we’re so used to getting BFN’s now… but it did. As BBT monitor, I saw it first, and then K saw it in my face. I had seen the massive temperature drop one morning and knew straight away it hadn’t worked this cycle. I didn’t want to tell her, but I guess after 7 years she can read my face pretty well.
Regardless of how many BFN’s we’ve had now, this one really hit K for six and pretty much ruined her for a few days. So I apologise for not updating, but she couldn’t face breaking yet another BFN.

K felt, and still does feel, like a fool when she writes so positively on here; especially after then having to break the BFNews, but what else can she do when you think that you’ve got everything timed perfectly? As far as K’s concerned, her body is “working”, and all the other signs for good fertility are there smiling right back at us – so there shouldn’t be any issues right? And at the same time, she doesn’t want to be a negative Nancy. Yes, she’s scared of it not working – again – but she certainly doesn’t want to keep thinking it. She wants to remain positive, but it’s so hard to when you expect the same thing all over again.

I’m still not sure when to say ‘enough is enough’, but at the moment I’m not ready, and K’s certainly not ready to give up no matter how much every BFN hurts. She regularly worries whether something is wrong and to be honest, I just don’t know what to think. A lot of people advise us that it does take some time to fall pregnant and it is very much a waiting game, but how long do we wait before becoming concerned?

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So as I write, K is soon to be coming to the end of her first week of the TWW. (Sunday) We got a donation in just before ovulation which was lucky as K ovulated earlier than expected again. Despite having a delayed ovulation last cycle, which meant that everything would have moved backward by about a week, she still managed to ovulate bang on the same time as usual which means she was a few days early if you were to count it from AF which, of course, was delayed because of the delayed ovulation.

Apart from recording her BBT and OPK tests, we’ve decided not to record anything else such as any “symptoms” (not that they really exist at this stage), but at the same time; to find out whether one cycle is different from the other, we try to record any changes so that we can compare other cycles. Last month, for example, we were full of them, K was feeling genuine cramps as well achey boobs towards the end of the TWW (which is something she doesn’t suffer from before AF), but we now feel they were just her mind playing cruel games. So seeing as the ones we recorded mean jack anyway, we’ve decided to just wait for AF this cycle.

Hopefully, this BFN won’t hurt as much this cycle.

Sx

So Here We Are Again…

The beginning of the year started really well, better than we ever expected, in fact. We found a new donor at the start of the year and they were able to start right away. We haven’t been able to write much as we didn’t want to jinx anything, plus, we wanted to be able to give a thorough update.

Without going into great detail, the insemination went well albeit a bit nerve wracking, but when isn’t it – you desperately want it to work, but I can honestly say that previous inseminations have either been super stressful because the donor’s been late or S and I had been arguing about something petty and insignificant, however this time the process wasn’t stressful at all. Whether this was because we were in a good place by starting a new year and mentally pressing our reset buttons, or the fact that our donor is amazing, I don’t know – I’m going for the latter.

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Jumping forward two weeks, I can sadly say that it didn’t work but I feel we were closer than any other TWW… Honestly!

The first week was like any other TWW, nothing particularly special happened, but at around 6DPO I started to feel dull AF-like pains (I don’t get AF pains until the night before she is due, and it’s been like this since the beginning of AF visits). My BBT was also starting to rise at great speed which, in comparison to previous cycles, never happens. Over the next few days, my temperature then remained at a peak (this is called a flat temp reading apparently) and then start to rise again every 2-3 days.

At around 12DPO my temperature was at it’s highest it had ever been since TTC, I was rather gassy (sorry, TMI), I could still find CF which usually dries up a week or so after ovulation, I felt intense ache and pressure down below and I was coming home from work shattered despite not being that active (I’ve also decided not to go to the gym during the TWW). I had agreed to avoid the internet and not symptom watch (which for some reason was easier this cycle!) but when I started to reveal things to S who has the painful task of noting things down for the sake of Fertility Friend so that we can compare cycles, even I was starting to believe. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it.

My BBT plummeted dramatically at 13DPO and AF visited the next day. I was gutted. Why my body plays these vile games, I don’t know. I think what irks me more is the fact I have no answers. Why did I have out-of-the-blue AF pains a week before she was meant to visit? Why did my BBT rise so dramatically and stay there? Why was I so tired? I genuinely didn’t take any notice of my TWW this time which I feel can create symptoms in your head when you’re so desperate for something, but thankfully because I’ve been busy at work and our family household has grown by two boys (**shudders**) for the time being it’s kept me occupied so I don’t believe it was me creating this.

So onwards and upwards, I guess. We’ll be booking in our next try this week with the hope to try once before ovulation and once on or around ovulation day.

K

The Signs

According to whattoexpect.com, the “typical” pregnancy signs are as follows:-

  1. Tender breasts.
  2. Different colored areolas (look it up, I had to).
  3. Early bleeding/spotting.
  4. Frequent urination.
  5. Exhaustion.
  6. Nausea.
  7. Sensitivity to odours.
  8. Being bloated.
  9. Late period (AF).
  10. (and obviously) a BFP.

Over the past few months of trying I have faced during the TWW (closer to the end of the TWW though) at least 6 of these “signs” not to mention other ones that are also known to be linked to pregnancy. These are:-

  1. Cramping – like you wouldn’t believe, and I’m not one for cramps.
  2. Food aversions/cravings – remember when I could have eaten a cow one afternoon? How about when I went off coffee?
  3. Spotting.
  4. Vivid dreams – definately and in colour!
  5. Gas – pull my finger.
  6. Headaches.

There are plenty more, simply write a symptom and add “sign of pregnancy?” to your search.

However, with all this in mind, I am still facing BFN’s and even within this cycle, I’m starting to think that this one will be a BFN too. So what the frack is going on with my body? No website or forum is currently able to explain why I am getting nearly all of the above without the BFP. My temperatures give me hope but then they come crashing down in line with an up and coming visit from AF.

I understand that a lot of the above signs are also linked to AF (this includes tender breasts, bleeding and cramping) but I’m pretty sure food cravings/aversions aren’t – is something being created but then not making it?

When I first started trying, I didn’t think it would be so hard. I knew that we probably wouldn’t get it first time, but I thought that perhaps the second or third try (I seem to be a third-time-lucky girl) would be successful. My mum and my sister had no issues falling pregnancy so why not me?

See, you’re regularly lectured from parents and teachers about the risks of having sex with boys and what will happen, blah blah blah, however if I knew it would be THIS hard then I would have slept with a lot more boys! (JOKING – EUGH!) It just infuriates me when these girls (they’re still girls in my eyes) are getting knocked up after one accident… ONE! Which means either she is incredibly fertile or just extremely unlucky (in her eyes, at least).

The signs for ovulation are there and I’m getting the positive OPK’s, we’re inseminating at the right times (although probably not as often as I’d like) and I’m pretty much relaxed about the whole matter and giving my body what it needs. So what’s the problem?

In all seriousness though, should I be worried? Is there something we’re missing? Are there any hints and tips? Is there any particular food we should eat before insemination?

We’ll pretty much take anything you’ve got!

K

Trying – Take 2

So, AI numero two is happening tomorrow. Finally!!

Waiting for this day to come has felt like a lifetime which I guess was down to missing last month due to the Donor having commitments. I guess when all your focus is on one thing, nothing else matters. We’re both busy with work and general family events such as birthdays and mothers day but at the back of our heads we’re always looking at the calendar counting down the days to the Donor coming (quite literally, Ha!) to ours to donate or marking on our fertility app various signs, etc. It’s becoming a military operation that is taking any element of suprise, if we had any, away.

S and I (mainly, I) have also been a little snippy (well, down right mean) and I think it is down to all of this. I feel terrible taking frustrations out on S but it’s hard not to when you’re frustrated and stressed and the first person in the firing line is your wife, which means tiny things such as not taking the empty bog rolls downstairs for recycling becomes the ultimate crime! S understands why I am being a cow but it doesn’t mean she deserves it.

I see my sister with M and it’s amazing – he is now laughing, and not because he has passed wind, but because he found something we did funny! He pulls himself up to a sitting position when we hold his hands and he is constantly babbling and chatting – it’s incredible and he is only 4 months old! On top of this, we also have friends who are pregnant. So, as you can imagine, it’s all very stressful at the moment – there are babies everywhere but not inside me!

Already we’re getting very use to the whole process and even by try number two or three, the waiting isn’t so exciting anymore as you’re sort of already expecting a negative or you don’t want to out your hopes up because the crash hurts so much. I am excited that we’re this far and we’re grateful that we have a donor, but at the same time we feel like we’re so very very far away.

On a more positive note, I can happily say that my body is almost 99% predictable now when it comes to AF and Ovulation which is relieving. When we first started tracking my cycle I found very quickly that I would always be just off the “normal” prediction of a womans’ body by 2-3 days which, during this process, wasn’t great and just added more stresses to the mix. But for some unknown reason, it’s more “normal” than it’s ever been. I would love to know what contributed to the change as I’d like to keep at it!

K.

A (late) visit from Aunt Flo

Aunt Flo (AF) finally came to visit yesterday despite being two days late.

Ask me why she was late and I won’t be able to tell you. I’ve heard that sperm does some weird things to your body even if it doesn’t fertilise an egg but this was silly.

As expected, part of me is sad because I was genuinely starting to believe that I perhaps was pregnant going on the subtle signs I got and not to mention crazy temperature changes, but at the same time I’m pleased that she arrived because now we can finally start a fresh and arrange attempt number two! The few days waiting for AF soured the fact that we weren’t pregnant because it delayed us arranging new dates around ovulation with the donor – it’s as if a cruel game was being played.

Over the next few months I look forward to trying again and seeing what my body as in store for me – lets just hope this one is a more relaxing attempt. I am sure that the more times we try the easier it will become, especially when it comes to waiting and, if anything, we’ll learn not to think about it and let nature takes it course… Ha! Who am I kidding?

K