Living With a Nightmare: An Open Letter to My Wife

  • 3 minute read
  • April 22, 2015

Sharon,

Over the past two weeks I have been living with a nightmare. It’s not you, it’s not T, it’s me.

I’ve been a royal pain in the backside – not just for you, but for me. I’ve been stressing myself out over the smallest of things, such as getting the washing done and making the most of our time, and it’s probably stressing you out. I’m sorry.

This time is meant to be a time where we’re relishing in the fact we have a son – and we are relishing, a lot, but I’m still also expecting to carry on as we were before and as expected, it’s not happening quite as planned.

Long before T even came along I’ve always struggled with the thought of being looked after – my mum raised me to be extremely independent. I’m happy to work as a team when it comes to big tasks like DIY and gardening, I just hate not being able to do simple tasks or anything at all for that matter. So when T arrived and I was pretty much useless to anyone because he required almost constant feeding, it was up to you to do the majority of the cooking, washing, and general organisation of our day – and I hated it as I had no control whatsoever. I also couldn’t offer anything back. Before, I would cook and you would wash up, for example. Simple. Now you’re doing everything and I feel rubbish about it. I’m not the super wife I expected to be. I expected to be able to feed, cook a meal, eat it, and then maybe feed again – who was I kidding?

Please don’t take this as me sounding ungrateful, I appreciate everything you do, I’m just finding it very difficult to cope with being off my game. This week I’ve cooked half a Thai curry, been half dressed most of the time, got piles of washing prepared but never been able to put them in the machine. There’s a basket of clothes that still requires putting away, and washing up that’s still soaking but not completely washed – all because someone needs a feed. I’m not angry with him, honest – I just didn’t want our time remembered by me just being a milk maid and you being the maid. I hope you understand. I know it’ll get better eventually or I’ll get used to it – this is what every new parent goes through. Hell, we’re not even a month in yet! I guess I just expected a lot more from myself.

I know I have no choice – he needs feeding, so I have to stop. You tell me every day that I’m being silly, that we are a team, and that you couldn’t care less about who does what around the house, and I believe you, honest – I just don’t want to accept it. I want to be able to do so much more. Our friends have accepted it, they automatically knew to contact you instead of me as they knew I would be occupied with T. The only person who didn’t know this or want to accept it was me. I’m sorry.

Every time I have a mini meltdown I promise myself to chill out, but I need to start promising you. Maybe it’ll actually take effect. So…

I promise to just let you look after me (without complaints).

I promise to not let the little things bother me any more. There are bigger things to worry about – about 9lbs worth.

I also promise to accept that whatever I can do/provide would have been my very best (even if I have only accomplished cooking beans on toast).

I cannot thank you enough for what you’ve done over the past two weeks. You’ve helped me and been there in more ways than I can tell you and for that I will be forever in your debt.

You are a wonderful Mumma and an amazing wife – I’m so very lucky to have both of you in my life.

I love you.

K

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16 comments

  1. Like you, I very much struggle with accepting help and allowing others to do for me while I do ‘nothing’ (or heal or relax or any number of things). It’s a real problem for me, one I am constantly trying to work on.

    You’re doing SO much in caring for T, by the way. You’re not lazing about, (and even if you were, you earned it!)

    1. Thanks lovely. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone. I expected so much more from myself so struggled/am struggling when I can’t achieve it. I am getting there though and just remind myself what I’ve been through. Thanks again. X

  3. Whoa lady!! Breathe…! It’s so so so overwhelming at first, you have to give yourself a lot of credit. You’re taking on something completely new and often difficult and always exhausting, AND you’re fortunate enough to be embarking on it with a pretty darn amazing partner, from the sounds of it! When DD was born, I felt very similar to you. I was always the cook, but I was barely getting myself enough to eat when DW was at work, let alone preparing meals. She and I found our balance and you’ll find yours. No doubt about it. Enjoy the time you’re allowed to be unshowered unshaven and totally falling apart! You’re among good company. Hang in there and, once again, congrats!!!

    1. Thanks Hun – I’m slowly getting there, it’s just such a sudden change.

      All the hormones still running through my system probably aren’t helping either. Lol.

      I am very lucky indeed – all the more reason to chill out. Things will get done eventually, just not at the pace in used to. Xx

  4. Even though I didn’t give birth to the twins, I feel everything you are saying! I’m the one with OCD, and now with babies and constant feedings and cuddling them when they are crying, I feel like I’m loosing a bit of control, so I try to over compensate and realize that I’m making myself even crazier because then things REALLY aren’t getting done… but just last week I surrendered to the fact that, well, it’s gonna be like this for a while. You’re doing AMAZING work, raising a ‘little’ and all… as the other mom, we truly don’t mind doing a little extra around the house… you had our babies for crying out loud!!! With as awesome a wife as you have, I’m pretty sure movie night and a three-way cuddle beats doing the dishes any day!

  5. This made me cry! I am the non-birth mom to twins being born tomorrow and already am stressing about how things will not get done as usual. I like you need to learn to be gentle with myself. It is not an easy task for those of us who expect so much of ourselves. Many hugs to you as you find a way to make this all work 🙂

    1. Oh bless, I didn’t want to make people cry. lol.

      I’m now realising that I was definitely being hard on myself as there’s no way a baby can fit into your previous life, you have to adapt around your baby or you’ll just go bang. They have to take priority whether you like it or not, y’know?

      It’s certainly not going to be easy or happen overnight but I will adapt.

      Xx

  6. Everybody else is being nicey-nicey to you. I think it’s time for a little Come to Jesus, as we say out West:

    1. You have just done the most amazing thing in the world. You have given life. Absorb it. Revel in it. Love it.

    2. You have only one job right now: T. Without in any way intending to be normative or essentialist, nature has conspired to concentrate your mind and body (and hormones) on T and T alone. Listen to it. Obey it. Do not fight it. That way madness lies.

    3. Out in the mountains, we know not to get between a momma bear and her cub. People think grizzlies are nasty (they are), but a momma brown bear will tear you to shreds in an instant. That’s you, momma.

    Fortunately, you are not living in nature, red of tooth and claw. You’re not in this alone. You have your wife. You have your doctors and nurses and friends. Let them carry all your other burdens.

    When my sister’s first was a week old, she invited us all over for lunch. (Mom thought it was a bad idea, but we came anyway.) About 10 minutes in, my brother’s wife sneezed. My sister melted down and threw us all out of the house. Told us never to come back. Used a lot of bad words.

    None of us believed her, of course. We went down to the local honky-tonk and toasted her and the baby with a few beers. And came back, in ones and twos, every day over the next six months.

    4. Post-partum depression. It’s a thing. Take a deep breath. Everything is going to be OK. Really.

    5. Your wife knows all this. She apparently knows this better than you do. Listen to her.

    6. Everybody else knows all this, too. They will cut you a lot of slack. They will forgive you. You will all laugh about it, someday soon.

    7. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you ain’t Superwoman. Superwoman is a comic book.

      1. Oh, my.

        I am glad to be of service. Just remind me of all that when I have my first, OK? I am liable to be a complete whackjob.

        My Love isn’t the jealous type, but let’s just keep that last part between the two of us.

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