Being a same sex family, we get asked a lot of questions. Some generic questions about being parents, others more tailored to us.
When I was pregnant, people were often very forward and asked things like –
How did it work?
How did you decide who would carry?
Who’s the Father?
Depending on when you asked me I could answer most of these questions calmly and sensibly, I know a lot of them were based on pure ignorance and the person asking didn’t mean any harm.
When T arrived, the questions didn’t stop. We regularly got asked;
How did you guys conceive? (We got asked this a lot).
Is it any different being a gay family?
Who’s more “dad”? (Yeah! I know!).
We often didn’t mind – it was nice that people were curious about certain things – I’d rather educate than not, although the last one should have remained in the question bank.
It was when T hit a year (and a bit before) though that we got asked the mother of all questions.
When are you having another one?
Not, “Will you” or “Do you think”. “When”.
I’ve got pretty good at answering this now as I know this is one of those inevitable questions, but here’s where we’re different to most other parents and why it’s probably not ok to ask this –
It was really hard to conceive T.
Two years of countless cycles, a visit to a kinesiologist, and more strain on a relationship than I have ever imagined. I don’t think I could go through that again.
Plus, we’re too busy watching the one we worked so hard for grow up!
And why is there the assumption that we (or other parents for that matter) want another one? What’s so wrong with one?
We missed out on enough when we were trying for T, we certainly don’t want to miss anything else whilst trying for another. Not right now anyway.
So if you’re thinking of asking this question, especially (but not necessarily) to a same sex family, have a think about what you’re asking. What have they already been through?