So Here We Are Again…

The beginning of the year started really well, better than we ever expected, in fact. We found a new donor at the start of the year and they were able to start right away. We haven’t been able to write much as we didn’t want to jinx anything, plus, we wanted to be able to give a thorough update.

Without going into great detail, the insemination went well albeit a bit nerve wracking, but when isn’t it – you desperately want it to work, but I can honestly say that previous inseminations have either been super stressful because the donor’s been late or S and I had been arguing about something petty and insignificant, however this time the process wasn’t stressful at all. Whether this was because we were in a good place by starting a new year and mentally pressing our reset buttons, or the fact that our donor is amazing, I don’t know – I’m going for the latter.

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Jumping forward two weeks, I can sadly say that it didn’t work but I feel we were closer than any other TWW… Honestly!

The first week was like any other TWW, nothing particularly special happened, but at around 6DPO I started to feel dull AF-like pains (I don’t get AF pains until the night before she is due, and it’s been like this since the beginning of AF visits). My BBT was also starting to rise at great speed which, in comparison to previous cycles, never happens. Over the next few days, my temperature then remained at a peak (this is called a flat temp reading apparently) and then start to rise again every 2-3 days.

At around 12DPO my temperature was at it’s highest it had ever been since TTC, I was rather gassy (sorry, TMI), I could still find CF which usually dries up a week or so after ovulation, I felt intense ache and pressure down below and I was coming home from work shattered despite not being that active (I’ve also decided not to go to the gym during the TWW). I had agreed to avoid the internet and not symptom watch (which for some reason was easier this cycle!) but when I started to reveal things to S who has the painful task of noting things down for the sake of Fertility Friend so that we can compare cycles, even I was starting to believe. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it.

My BBT plummeted dramatically at 13DPO and AF visited the next day. I was gutted. Why my body plays these vile games, I don’t know. I think what irks me more is the fact I have no answers. Why did I have out-of-the-blue AF pains a week before she was meant to visit? Why did my BBT rise so dramatically and stay there? Why was I so tired? I genuinely didn’t take any notice of my TWW this time which I feel can create symptoms in your head when you’re so desperate for something, but thankfully because I’ve been busy at work and our family household has grown by two boys (**shudders**) for the time being it’s kept me occupied so I don’t believe it was me creating this.

So onwards and upwards, I guess. We’ll be booking in our next try this week with the hope to try once before ovulation and once on or around ovulation day.

K

Insem #6 – Part 1

So insemination numero 6 (Part 1) happened last night. We’re going to have 2 inseminations this cycle – hopefully one either side of ovulation, or one just before and one spot on. We’re still reading my temperatures at the moment, so an exact date hasn’t been confirmed by our app yet but we’re confident that we know a date range of 2-3 days.

Annoyingly, I have recently come down with a cold bug which couldn’t have come at a worst time and because of the bug, my temperatures are now fluctuating like crazy depending on how I have slept and how sick I am which is making the app work overtime.

I really don’t know how I’ve got a cold as I’m currently at my most healthiest what with all the fruit and veg I’m eating, not to mention my fitness. I can only assume that because of the piggy blowout I had last weekend that perhaps it weakened my immune system. Either way, I’m pissed off.

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The insemination itself wasn’t the most stress-free of environments, I must admit. Again, not a great start to TTC again.

The evening started with D texting us to say that he’s not sure when he would be getting off work and asked whether we could do tomorrow. After an immediate “NO” he was able to come down, just a little later. When he did arrive, I couldn’t be more relieved as I was one step closer to starting again. However, before we started, we did have to have words with him regarding dates.

In the past, when arranging an insem he’s regularly suggested another date because of his work; which has sometimes been fine, but other times and more often than not, the date he’s suggested wasn’t alright and, to be honest, was waaaay off.

D says he gets the process and ovulation, and has apparently done his research, but I’m still not sure – especially when he suggests a date 2-3 days off the date we have suggested! He’s a lovely guy, honestly, and I am so happy we have him as a donor, I just think he’s a little bit off when it comes to women and cycles still – which is frustrating as we feel awkward when telling him that his suggested date is not okay. We desperately want to keep him as our donor, but if he keeps suggesting new dates and/or not being able to make our dates, then we are going to have to seriously think about changing our donor or even putting everything on hold until we can afford a clinic. We don’t really want this, but we also don’t want our time (or his time) wasted.

When we started, we never expected the donor to know where I am in my cycle or to be all that interested to know it, why should they? But, if you want to become a donor, at least understand that a date is generally non-negotiable when it comes to insemination. Am I right? We completely understand that work can affect someones life, but if it affects it a lot – don’t become a donor. Simple.

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So once that was over and done with, we began. I think both S and I were a little nervous as we hadn’t done an insem for a few months – not that we told each other about our nerves, but it was clear as we ended up having bit of an argument over nothing towards the end, which made me feel terrible as the process should be fun, or at least relaxing! But it was far from it.

I couldn’t get comfy which stressed S out, and S was fumbling all over the place in comparison to previous times when she was in and out faster than the shake of a lambs tail, which stressed me out as I was worried the lads were getting cold (not to mention the fact that I was getting cold). Once it was done, we went to sleep all moody and grumpy. It wasn’t great. Nevertheless, I slept which is definately what I needed as I’ve woken this morning very relaxed and calm.

The sleep itself wasn’t the greatest nights sleep, either. I wanted to pee, but didn’t want to and I couldn’t breathe well because of the cold. Eventually, 2 hours later, I had to pee and I went to sleep in the hope that the lads hadn’t been flushed down the loo.

With any luck, this cold will take my concentration away from TTC and not encourage my body to fight ALL alien life forms – including sperm. I’ve read this can’t happen, but you never know. I guess, as usual, what will be, will be.

K

Not A Great Start

Last week, were meant to have an insem as mentioned in our last post, however out of the blue I ovulated 2 days early.

As much as I’m always happy and reassured to see the smiley, welcoming face of the CB test, I wasn’t pleased when it arrived early. Like an eager guest, we were still setting up the party and it waltzed in expecting drinks and nibbles.

I’m usually spot on when it comes to ovulation, so I’m curious to know whether this is an effect of weight loss (anyone know?). I’ve probably just predicted things wrong, however with an app predicting things for you using your temparature – it’s pretty hard to get it wrong. Nevermind.

So with this, D was sadly unable able to make the new date which meant that any chances to do an insem this cycle were lost. This was frustrating as, by the looks of it, I was extremely fertile!

Not a great start, I know. Nevertheless, I will remain positive and take it as a chance to lose more weight as well as gather more data so that we can predict further dates.

At the moment, I’m currently entertaining AF (seems my whole cycle this month has come 2 days early) so when she’s buggered off I can start again.

Apologies for the lack of up-to-date updates – I promise I will get back into the swing of blogging. Thankfully, this was our only update, but I’m not happy that it was over a week late. Sorry.

A Fresh Start – Part 2

So here we are, raring to start anew. As you would have read in our last post, S and I are happier in our new home and we are both eating healthy in an effort to create a better environment for the future.

Tomorrow will be our first insemination after our little break, and I cannot wait!

Now, before you tell me to hold my horses and not put my hopes up – I know. I am fully expecting a BFN not just because that’s that way our cookie crumbles, but because we have had a gap and it’s going to take us (and my body) some time to get back into the swing of things.

As usual, D has been great and it seems that he is just as excited to start again. He’s also keen for me to become pregnant so he can open the bottle of scrumpy that we got him from Cornwall.

I don’t really know what to expect or what I want to happen. Obviously, I want the very best result but I also don’t want the weight loss to be shown as the factor that stopped me becoming pregnant as it would have meant that we may have become pregnant a lot sooner (I’m clearly thinking waaaay too much, as usual). Nevertheless, I want this to work so that my efforts haven’t been in vain. I am remaining positive with a slight dash of unease.

It is taking me some time to get back to the process of noting my CM and making sure I’m not drinking 2 hours before a OPK test, etc. etc. but I’m getting there slowly. I guess I’m worried that it will become a chore and that it will ruin us. I don’t want every conversation we have about TTC.. I want to look back one day and triumph in what we’ve created with our hard work, not look back and think, “What a nightmare that was!”

Ideally, I want to try to make the process as close to “normal” as possible, but the chance of that happening is slim so we’ll have to make do with what we have – just us.

K

The Signs

According to whattoexpect.com, the “typical” pregnancy signs are as follows:-

  1. Tender breasts.
  2. Different colored areolas (look it up, I had to).
  3. Early bleeding/spotting.
  4. Frequent urination.
  5. Exhaustion.
  6. Nausea.
  7. Sensitivity to odours.
  8. Being bloated.
  9. Late period (AF).
  10. (and obviously) a BFP.

Over the past few months of trying I have faced during the TWW (closer to the end of the TWW though) at least 6 of these “signs” not to mention other ones that are also known to be linked to pregnancy. These are:-

  1. Cramping – like you wouldn’t believe, and I’m not one for cramps.
  2. Food aversions/cravings – remember when I could have eaten a cow one afternoon? How about when I went off coffee?
  3. Spotting.
  4. Vivid dreams – definately and in colour!
  5. Gas – pull my finger.
  6. Headaches.

There are plenty more, simply write a symptom and add “sign of pregnancy?” to your search.

However, with all this in mind, I am still facing BFN’s and even within this cycle, I’m starting to think that this one will be a BFN too. So what the frack is going on with my body? No website or forum is currently able to explain why I am getting nearly all of the above without the BFP. My temperatures give me hope but then they come crashing down in line with an up and coming visit from AF.

I understand that a lot of the above signs are also linked to AF (this includes tender breasts, bleeding and cramping) but I’m pretty sure food cravings/aversions aren’t – is something being created but then not making it?

When I first started trying, I didn’t think it would be so hard. I knew that we probably wouldn’t get it first time, but I thought that perhaps the second or third try (I seem to be a third-time-lucky girl) would be successful. My mum and my sister had no issues falling pregnancy so why not me?

See, you’re regularly lectured from parents and teachers about the risks of having sex with boys and what will happen, blah blah blah, however if I knew it would be THIS hard then I would have slept with a lot more boys! (JOKING – EUGH!) It just infuriates me when these girls (they’re still girls in my eyes) are getting knocked up after one accident… ONE! Which means either she is incredibly fertile or just extremely unlucky (in her eyes, at least).

The signs for ovulation are there and I’m getting the positive OPK’s, we’re inseminating at the right times (although probably not as often as I’d like) and I’m pretty much relaxed about the whole matter and giving my body what it needs. So what’s the problem?

In all seriousness though, should I be worried? Is there something we’re missing? Are there any hints and tips? Is there any particular food we should eat before insemination?

We’ll pretty much take anything you’ve got!

K

A Nonchalant Two Week Wait.

On Wednesday, we’ll be half way through our TWW and at the moment, I couldn’t be more nonchalant about it. I guess it’s because we’re now very used to getting BFN’s.

Even for this cycle I don’t think it’s going to work because we weren’t able to get the donor to visit us for a second try as we planned and we were only able to get him a day or so before the ovulation period (we try to get the donor to visit us twice in one cycle – once before ovulation and once during ovulation. This is so we can cover that varied window knowing that sperm can survive for 72 hours. We know when I ovulate but we can never be exact because the tests show positive over a few days). 

I guess much of my frustration is aimed at the donor currently. My body is ready and raring to go but I’m being held back. We’ve been trying since the beginning of the year and in that time I can STILL count the attempts on my hand. I appreciate the failed attempts aren’t his fault – he’s given the goods and it’s up to me, it was always going to take some time but when we have gaps where I don’t receive anything because he has work or plans, surely this can’t be any good for the baby-making process?? Surely we need consistency?

As mentioned previously, we fully understand that he has his own life and plans but when we found a donor at Pride Angel we thought that by signing up to Pride Angel, you’re sort of committing to getting a couple pregnant and being there on quite short notice (not that we give short notice, we can give a months notice). I don’t know, perhaps I’m being selfish, but at the moment I don’t want anything else but a baby and I don’t know whether he fully understands this, especially when he makes a habit of suggesting another day to the day we’ve said (this month, he suggested 2 days after the day we suggested! I’m not being funny, we don’t pick these days out of a hat!!).

Every cycle he can’t make the dates we give him is another month gone. Another month I’m given the V’s from AF who seems to have this little voice telling me “HA HA, YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT!”. It’s really getting me down.

On top of this, there seems to be babies everywhere. One of S’s work friends have just announced that they’re pregnant and someone at my work has just announced too. I couldn’t be more happy for them but at the same time I’m seething with jealously. It really isn’t fair.

So, yeah. I’m not feeling great at the moment. I’ve even stopped visiting Twitter (not on purpose, I just don’t have the urge to visit) because there’s just too much baby stuff. It used to get me hyped up, happy and excited but now it just gets me down. I’m not giving up though, we’ll keep trying but at the moment it just seems hopeless when we have a dopey donor who really doesn’t seem to get the process.

K.