Whilst reading blogs related to LGB couples trying for a baby, I have noticed a massive trend… there is no donor. I mean, there obviously IS a donor, but the donors are rarely mentioned at all during the process. Not one little bit.
Now, I wholeheartedly understand that the process is about one couple’s journey in parenthood – but the donor is also a HUGE part of this and I, for one, would actually love to read about the donor. Not about what they’re like or their sperm count but more so about perhaps why you chose them? Or perhaps the meeting if you met them in person? Or even the process you went through choosing them.
Deciding to have a child with your partner is a huge decision and likewise, then choosing a donor. In my opinion, reading about another couple’s decision and the whole journey would have made our decision and the whole process a lot less stressful and we probably would not have wondered (so much) whether we were doing it “right”.
Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that it is not about the donor; nor is it anyone else’s business, it is about the couple wanting a baby, and certainly if the donor is anonymous then it is difficult to mention them, but I have read a lot (and I mean A LOT) of blogs relating to ladies trying for a baby and it is rare for them to mention the donor – and I want to know why. They are a big part of this process and it amazes me that not even a mention is included. I do not expect couples to put a whole profile of them on or to have a guest post from the donor but I am just curious as to why they haven’t even been mentioned.
Perhaps I’m barking up a very large, very wrong, tree, and I certainly don’t want to insult anyone, but certainly with our journey we want to detail almost everything – especially in the hope that it may help another couple down the way – but at the very least so WE remember the journey. We want to be able to go back and read about everything that happened and laugh (and cry). Without the somewhat major details of the donor, and the process that came with it, I don’t think that we would be telling an honest story at all.
So, if possible, to all the lovely ladies that are trying or have had a child with your partners, did you mention the donor? If not, why did you not talk about the donor? If you did, why? Did you mention them to your family? Perhaps if you’re already writing a similar blog to ours, will you mention the donor? I’d love to know.
Likewise, if you have any questions relating to choosing the right donor, get in touch!
I think pretty much the same. Our D1 was lovely and absolutely perfect (apart from the whole us having a baby thing) and we’ve spoken about him to people whenever they’ve asked.
We’ve said that when we’re pregnant and we know things are going well that we will have a sit down discussion about home with the families so that they know why we chose him etc.
We won’t be sharing photos of him though just because we don’t want them to associate the baby with him in a parental, “oh doesn’t the baby look like the dad” sort of way 🙂
Hi. Thanks for the reply and for sharing. I agree. We’re not looking for a co-parent, just a donor. However we have pictures of the donor so that when the time comes we can share them with our child if they want to see them. They’re going to wonder who they are – so at the very least we can show them. I completely agree about the family aspect – the donor isn’t a part of the family for them to compare them to. Thanks again for your comment. X
Exactly! One of the conditions that we’ve said is essential for any donor to commit to is that our child/children can meet them at 18 or before if we feel they’re ready so that they can ask anything that we don’t know the answer to, until that point we’ve got pictures and our own experience with him to tell them about 🙂
That sounds perfect. Im so happy for you. Thankfully, our donor is great and has said that he won’t interfere and completely understands where his position is in all of this and will offer support through the whole way. It’s almost too good to be true.
Like you said, between 15-18 (depending on mental maturity) is an age where they’ll start asking questions and we’ll be ready.
I wrote this post (http://becomingmums.co.uk/omg/donor-decisions/) about our donor right back when I started blogging in 2010. I wasn’t even pregnant at that point but we had bought our sperm.
We used an anonymous donor so there isn’t much to say about him in that we never met him. But we do have a whole folder full of info on him (and a 30 minute voice recording) that we have shown to family and friends and are saving for the girls when they are old enough for us to talk to them about him.
It is an interesting point and an important one. The donor is a crucial part of the whole process even though he’s really just an abstract idea. (Never saw him, never saw his sperm!!)
Hi. Thanks for the reply. I’m so glad to hear that donors are being mentioned.
I completely understand why donors may not be mentioned but its sometimes a shame when they’re not as they’re still a huge part. We’re still looking into how we’re going to detail it. We may put it into a big jar or a nice scrap book. No idea!
Ill look forward to reading about your donor. Thank you so much for sharing. X
Man, I’m not sure if my comment is awaiting approval or got swallowed up by WordPress (the latter is likely).
Well it was quite a long comment but in summary you can check out my post about our donor here http://becomingmums.co.uk/omg/donor-decisions/
The donor is so crucial and we have shown friends and family the massive folder of info (and baby pic) we have of the donor. It’s important for the girls to look at when they’re older.
Hmph, my original comment was far more eloquent!
Apologies for delay… Just getting ready to settle down for One Born Every Minute. Lol.
We’ve shown our close family some details but not everything as we’re concerned they may compare sprog to the donor. But of course, and understandably, they’re keen to know everything as the way we’re doing it is so special.
Hi there, we are using a known donor…a very well known donor in fact. He’s my wife’s younger brother (obviously I’ll be carrying the kids!)
So although I haven’t done a post on him, he’s often mentioned in my blog using an alias – as we do for everyone mentioned in our blog.
For us we would have always used a known donor as in my culture, (I’m part Maori – indigenous New Zealander), knowing your geneaology is very important. But once we decided that my wife would not carry, we realised that for us it would be perfect to have brother donate. That way our baby has both of our genes. Plus my wife is black, so this way, whichever of us has the child out with us will look like the mother.
It’s been a pretty funny process as we are doing home inseminations, so we text him and then he fronts up with a specimen jar full of the good stuff…pretty confronting for the poor wife, but I do the ‘handling’ so to speak so she doesn’t have to get too near it!
It’s been a good deal for him though, as he lives in the Caribbean, so he gets an all expenses paid trip to NZ each time, the first one was for 5 months and this current one is for 5 months too. We are hoping he’ll get a work visa and be able to stay, but we would still 100% be the parents, he’s an uncle 🙂
Hi. Thanks for the reply.
Wow!! That’s amazing!! Myself and my partner haven’t really got any heritage to follow or to continue on so I can’t imagine what it must be like, but it sounds amazing by the fact that you have it as well as what sounds like the perfect match. Donors are difficult to come by at the best of times, let alone known ones!
We wish you both the very best of luck.
I agree with your post! I am actually working on the back story including the choice of our donor for our now one year old. It is really interesting when you begin to dive into the process. One thing I talk about is how much the journey really evolved for us and what we were looking for. When you begin the TTC road and education, in the lesbian community (at least here) you discover so many unique layers in the process. So many expectations you may have had are really blown wide open by the diversity of women within the community. Your preconceptions about donors, the role of Mom, half siblings, sibling registries, etc. etc. really vary family to family.