Dear Ovaries,

I am writing to you to make a formal complaint.

The reason for my complaint is because I was relying on you to come through the other day. You know, the day after we pumped you with sperm at the same time you told us your eggs would be good and ready to be fertilized. This was at the same time you had waved the (egg) white flag of ovulation and kicked me so hard I knew you were ready for some fun.

I know that we haven’t ever really had a good working relationship, but since I started giving you vitamins you seem to be happier – you’ve even started to invite Aunt Flo a bit more regularly too – this is great. I’ve never really had to work you hard in life like those other girls in school who had regular “accidents” – you never had to worry about nasty sperm getting to you. In fact; I was so sure that I didn’t need you, I generally let you do your own thing!

However, if you’re not already aware, I’ve met this girl. This is a girl who I want to grow old with. Who I want to start a family with. We’ve been quite vocal about the matter, hell, we’ve been talking about it for a year now, so you must know. I can imagine you thought you were in for a relaxing time with her, however, sadly not. We want to start a family.

Despite all of this, you have now become lazy and you seem be ignoring your whole purpose in life when I now need you the most – it’s like you take take take without giving back. You’re not that old, nor have you ever been worked. What EXACTLY are you doing in there? What is the problem? Have I done something wrong? Is it the sperm? What? The sperm we’re giving you is great sperm! The Donor is taking vitamins and has stopped drinking alcohol and coffee for us (on his own accord, I must add!). He travels a long way to see us as well. Therefore, we don’t need you then messing up – it’s just embarrassing!

I appreciate that perhaps the first time we did this we didn’t warn you and I can imagine the little guys invading your space all of a sudden may have frightened you, but you must be aware of what’s happening now, surely?

Let me just say that if I have done something wrong, then I apologise but I can’t think what I’ve done to annoy you. I regularly feed myself with fresh fruit and vegetables and I do enough exercise. I take special vitamins and I’m steering well clear of the alcohol and the coffee – I’ve never even smoked! I even treat you to the occasional chocolate bar when you’re feeling low.

Moving forward, and so that you’re fully aware of our plans, please be advised that we would very much like to have a child – soon – and we need you to be a part of this 100%. Without you, we’re nothing.

If you could assist us in this matter then that would be very much appreciated – I don’t want to have to raise this matter again.

I look forward to hearing from you.

K