It saddens me to realize that we are coming up to a year from when we first started trying for a baby, and we still don’t have a baby.
Although we have only really had 6 “successful” tries, by this I mean when D has shown up at the right time of my cycle, we are still a year on from when the decision to have a baby together became real. A whole year. It may not seem like a long time, certainly if you’re a couple who have been trying for years, but for me I expected this to have happened a lot sooner than where we are now, and that’s not me just being over confident, and verging on arrogant by the sounds of it – far from it. I also never expected it to happen first time or even our third time, but when we’re now at 6 attempts – it is starting to panic me.
There are no fertility problems reported in my family and I don’t feel that I am of a size that may affect fertility, I certainly don’t want to go looking for problems, but what angers and confuses me the most is that I don’t have answers or a reason.
I started this journey feeling relatively positive, but now I don’t know where I am. S and I have things up our sleeve (I will write about this soon) and for this I am able to remain positive but keeping this year in mind I don’t know how long my positivity can remain, especially if there are underlining issues. What sours the issue even more is S.
S, so far, has done a spectacular job every cycle, not to mention keeping track of all my data as well as pretty much being the organizer, but I still haven’t produced. Every cycle after getting that BFN or the arrival of AF, S has said nothing. She has remained positive, albeit saddened to know we have to try yet again; especially a particular cycle has been troublesome and stressful what with getting sporadic contact from D but as soon as he’s done his business nothing else has mattered. She has taken it in her stride on the outside, but I can see her brain ticking over – even if she doesn’t know it. I can see her thinking; “how many more BFN’s?”
So how do we move forward if I am the problem? Sure, we’ve discussed it but at the back of my head I never really contemplated it coming into play.
The year hasn’t been a complete waste, we’ve learnt a few things about ourselves and how complex the donor process can be, and how frustrating donors themselves can be! During this year alone we found a Donor, we lost a Donor, we found a new Donor, and then finally got rid of them. On top of this, we have found several genuine people who I would now call friends. These include other couples in the same boat as us; couples who we can confide in and talk to, as well as those who have just leant a helping hand during the process, and for that I am very thankful. At least the process hasn’t been a complete waste.
Baby making aside, we’ve moved home and started a healthy eating regime which has seen S and I lose over 5 stone between us in just under 3 months! I’ve also been occupied with my gorgeous Nephew who came into the world just under a year ago but is growing up fast.
However, no matter what has been accomplished, we are still as far away from our main goal as we were when we started a year ago, except perhaps a bit more knowledgable of the process.
Looking forward, I am going to get serious and look into the possibility of fertility issues, and by this I’m going to start with getting myself tested for PCOS. As mentioned, I don’t want to look for problems that may not be there, and sure we’ve only been trying on and off for a year but I also don’t want to stick my head in the sand and continue trying for a baby when there may be issues. It will not only be a waste of our time, but a waste of time for our next donor.
It’s really heartbreaking, especially when I see dozens of undeserving people be given the gift of a child not knowing how damn lucky they are, but I guess I can guarantee that if it does happen for us, our children will know that they were wanted more than anything else in the world.