Things NOT to say… To a Lesbian trying for a baby.

Firstly, I would just like to say, I am really happy that people take an interest in the journey that S and I are taking. I am also quite happy to discuss things with gay/straight couples who are also thinking of trying, but of recent there have been a few conversations that I’ve taken part in that I wouldn’t or shouldn’t have had to take part in. Whether the people don’t know what they’re saying is quite rude, I don’t know.  I just feel it would be nice if people were just happy that we were simply trying for a baby, and NOT because we’re two LESBIANS trying for a baby.

I guess it is fascinating, and it is a little bit “different”, that two women are trying for a baby, but we’re not freaks – we don’t have to complete training or take part in a ceremony to have children. I am a woman and I can still have children and yes, I still need sperm to do it. I don’t remember handing over my ovaries when I signed up at the big lesbian college. We may not want penis or the item attached to it anymore, but it doesn’t mean we don’t want the goods inside! We still want a family.

With this in mind, certain people at work who I thought were a bit more diplomatic have had the urge to ask the below questions. Questions that I feel I shouldn’t have to answer. Questions that probably shouldn’t even be asked!

“So, who’s the Donor?”

None of your business. You wouldn’t, or certainly I wouldn’t, talk to someone who clearly hasn’t got a husband or boyfriend – you know who I mean… THOSE women – and ask who the father was, it’s down right rude. Not to mention the fact that although the Donor is a huge part of the process, it’s only one part, and once that part is done, that part is gone and it is down to the couple to raise the child.

“What does “He” look like?”

Again. None. Of. Your. Business. The child is S and I’s child. Yes, I know, the baby won’t look like S but it will have her characteristics and the way she does things. I don’t want people to look at our baby and be thinking; “they have His ears”. No thank you.

“It’s so dangerous, you don’t know who He is… <insert more condescending statements here>”

We are fully aware of this fact, and yes, this part of the process is one of the scariest parts, but you just HAVE to get over it. If the Donor is any form of a genuine person then they will go to the end of the earth and get tests done. They should show you their ID and generally reassure you that they are safe. Anyone who doesn’t do this is someone to avoid – no matter how desperate you want a baby.

“So how does it work?”

Well, we sacrificed a goat and a kitten, and drank a whole lotta gin. Oh c’mon, you know how the birds and the bee’s work! It’s no different for us! There were two lesbians, a man and a cup. You work it out.

“When so and so and I were trying…”

I really don’t care nor did I ask for tips on how to make a baby. Trying for a baby our way is COMPLETELY different to you having a baby – apart from the sperm bit. That said, you have endless amounts of sperm, we don’t, so please don’t give us tips – it’s insulting. If I need tips, I’ll ask – don’t assume I need them.


“I don’t think I’ve seen a pregnant Lesbian before…”

Well, if you head into Brighton, there’s a big gay and lesbian zoo – you’re bound to find some lying around there. REALLY? Your brain thought this was an acceptable thing to say to a lesbian eating her lunch whilst armed with a fork?! Jesus.

I couldn’t even think how to reply to this one without being rude. I think I remember just saying “We look like every other pregnant woman, just with better hair”. With this, she said “Oh, you know what I mean…”. No. I don’t know what you mean. What exactly would give you the indication, when walking down the street, that pregnant woman A is a lesbian, and pregnant woman B is straight. Seriously. Besides, what does it matter. Would you have gone up to pregnant woman A, patted her on the back and gone “Well done little lesbian, you’ve still got it”? No? So, shut up.

**Sigh**… that’s better.


7 thoughts on “Things NOT to say… To a Lesbian trying for a baby.

  1. Emma says:

    Brilliant! Made me giggle at the same time as educate me.. Really a cup? I thought it was a turkey baster? 😉 x

  2. mamadeux says:

    Oh – how about “which one of you is the real mom?” Great post – inspired to write my own list now! We haven’t told many people yet, only a handful of very close friends/family, but they are already coming out with some crazy questions!!!

    • lesbemums says:

      Ha. Yes. That one ill be saving for another edition of “Things not to say…”

      We haven’t told many people outside of family circle. Unfortunately, one nosey cow at work overheard a conversation between me and a close friend. Thankfully, it’s remained a secret but the majority of these comments were hers *sigh*.

      Thanks for the reply – good luck in your journey.


  3. Sacha Black says:

    This made me full on laugh out loud! Funniest blog I have EVER read!!! And all of them so true! I laughed because ive heard all those things and been equally frustrated!!

    • lesbemums says:

      Thanks – I enjoyed writing it.

      I’ve already got a few more “Things NOT to say…” posts lined up with things I’ve already had asked.

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