Within the TTC blogging world, I have found that there are roughly 3 “clubs”. The “Trying” club, the “Pregnant” club, and the “Mummy” club. During the TTC journey, we all belong in one of them but not all of them, sadly. Of course you can TTC AND be a mummy, I mean in a sense that once you’ve moved into a new group by falling pregnant, for example, you seem to be moved down the hall from the TTC room and into the next waiting room… or at least that how it feels to me. I’ll expand on the Mummy Club in another post I think – that’s a whole different box.
Over the past few months, I’ve read some really difficult posts where some ladies have been downright rude about women who have fallen pregnant… “I can’t believe she’s Pregnant”, “They’ve only been trying a year”, “I’m unfollowing anyone who falls pregnant before me” are just a few of the posts I’ve read – and it’s really depressing. I didn’t think that this dark underworld where “support” only exists as long as it’s you first really existed, or at least I hope it didn’t. How can you possibly measure when it’s acceptable to fall pregnant. You don’t grab a ticket and wait for your turn – it’ll happen if and when it happens.
Likewise, there have also been a couple of other blogs where ladies feel genuine heartbreak, and the pain now outweighs the joy for others, and they simply cannot bring themselves to follow these blogs anymore. I also believe it genuinely hurts them that they feel like this, however, I’m completely on the fence with this.
I understand wholeheartedly the heartache that comes with a BFP announcement. I really do. You have been spilling your heart out for months, years, decades, about TTC with fellow TTC’ers and suddenly someone reaches their goal. It’s even more heartbreaking when the length or attempts in trying is minimal in comparison to yours, or like-the-time-recently-when-a-person-I-know-fell-pregnant-after-not-trying-at-all-and-is-certainly-not-in-the-best-position-to-fall-pregnant-and-didn’t-really-want-kids-anyway (and breath…). It really hurts. You want to start a family and nothing is holding you back apart from something inside you literally cannot control.
But for those instances where ladies who have been on TTC slope do fall Pregnant, I really cannot bring myself to unfollow them. It’s not fair. We ladies are in this together and if we can’t support each other and at least be happy for them in the first instance and an unfollowing them is the first thing you do, then that’s really sad. Sure, I’m not expecting everyone to throw a party when a BFP is announced; but to unfollow someone, almost punishing them, isn’t fair also. Personally, a BFP gives me hope. It shows me that even the toughest of journey’s make it in the end. I can’t be happier for those couples.
To be honest, I don’t monitor my follows. I write like it’s a journal and if people want to read, then great. If not, fine – so I probably wouldn’t notice any unfollows. However, I would notice if someone I once communicated regularly with suddenly disappeared – that would hurt, especially if I then found out they unfollower me. I would feel kicked out of a club – I would feel sad that I’d lost a friend for doing nothing wrong.
I wouldn’t, however, feel guilty – which is another side to this TTC business. Women are feeling guilty about announcing they’re Pregnant! LADIES! You have done nothing wrong. Don’t feel guilty. It’s very kind that you feel for those that haven’t got there yet, but it’s nothing to do with you. You haven’t travelled this long and winding road just to feel awful about it. So, stop!
If and when I get to the stage when I can announce a BFP, I will totally expect a couple of unfollows because perhaps my blog doesn’t match a reader’s interest criteria anymore but I would not expect an unfollow simply because I’m Pregnant.
From my point of view, I probably won’t be as active on other TTC blogs – I’m not going to pipe up on blogs and be all “well… when we were trying” – that’s totally wrong, inconsiderate and the bitches that do that can go away, but I will continue to support and help where possible (and generally give advice when advice has been asked for).
This may cause a few arguments, it is a sensitive subject after all, but I’m afraid I’m on the fence about a complete unfollow of someone’s who has been in the same boat and then falls pregnant. It’s like kicking them out of a club they still rightly belong to. If you don’t want to read what they have to say, don’t read it. Don’t unfollow them straight away (which they will later see) making them feel awful for something that is probably going to be one of the happiest times of their lives.