On Wednesday, we’ll be half way through our TWW and at the moment, I couldn’t be more nonchalant about it. I guess it’s because we’re now very used to getting BFN’s.
Even for this cycle I don’t think it’s going to work because we weren’t able to get the donor to visit us for a second try as we planned and we were only able to get him a day or so before the ovulation period (we try to get the donor to visit us twice in one cycle – once before ovulation and once during ovulation. This is so we can cover that varied window knowing that sperm can survive for 72 hours. We know when I ovulate but we can never be exact because the tests show positive over a few days).
I guess much of my frustration is aimed at the donor currently. My body is ready and raring to go but I’m being held back. We’ve been trying since the beginning of the year and in that time I can STILL count the attempts on my hand. I appreciate the failed attempts aren’t his fault – he’s given the goods and it’s up to me, it was always going to take some time but when we have gaps where I don’t receive anything because he has work or plans, surely this can’t be any good for the baby-making process?? Surely we need consistency?
As mentioned previously, we fully understand that he has his own life and plans but when we found a donor at Pride Angel we thought that by signing up to Pride Angel, you’re sort of committing to getting a couple pregnant and being there on quite short notice (not that we give short notice, we can give a months notice). I don’t know, perhaps I’m being selfish, but at the moment I don’t want anything else but a baby and I don’t know whether he fully understands this, especially when he makes a habit of suggesting another day to the day we’ve said (this month, he suggested 2 days after the day we suggested! I’m not being funny, we don’t pick these days out of a hat!!).
Every cycle he can’t make the dates we give him is another month gone. Another month I’m given the V’s from AF who seems to have this little voice telling me “HA HA, YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT!”. It’s really getting me down.
On top of this, there seems to be babies everywhere. One of S’s work friends have just announced that they’re pregnant and someone at my work has just announced too. I couldn’t be more happy for them but at the same time I’m seething with jealously. It really isn’t fair.
So, yeah. I’m not feeling great at the moment. I’ve even stopped visiting Twitter (not on purpose, I just don’t have the urge to visit) because there’s just too much baby stuff. It used to get me hyped up, happy and excited but now it just gets me down. I’m not giving up though, we’ll keep trying but at the moment it just seems hopeless when we have a dopey donor who really doesn’t seem to get the process.