1 Year On…

It saddens me to realize that we are coming up to a year from when we first started trying for a baby, and we still don’t have a baby.

Although we have only really had 6 “successful” tries, by this I mean when D has shown up at the right time of my cycle, we are still a year on from when the decision to have a baby together became real. A whole year. It may not seem like a long time, certainly if you’re a couple who have been trying for years, but for me I expected this to have happened a lot sooner than where we are now, and that’s not me just being over confident, and verging on arrogant by the sounds of it – far from it. I also never expected it to happen first time or even our third time, but when we’re now at 6 attempts – it is starting to panic me.

There are no fertility problems reported in my family and I don’t feel that I am of a size that may affect fertility, I certainly don’t want to go looking for problems, but what angers and confuses me the most is that I don’t have answers or a reason.

I started this journey feeling relatively positive, but now I don’t know where I am. S and I have things up our sleeve (I will write about this soon) and for this I am able to remain positive but keeping this year in mind I don’t know how long my positivity can remain, especially if there are underlining issues. What sours the issue even more is S.

S, so far, has done a spectacular job every cycle, not to mention keeping track of all my data as well as pretty much being the organizer, but I still haven’t produced. Every cycle after getting that BFN or the arrival of AF, S has said nothing. She has remained positive, albeit saddened to know we have to try yet again; especially a particular cycle has been troublesome and stressful what with getting sporadic contact from D but as soon as he’s done his business nothing else has mattered. She has taken it in her stride on the outside, but I can see her brain ticking over – even if she doesn’t know it. I can see her thinking; “how many more BFN’s?”

So how do we move forward if I am the problem? Sure, we’ve discussed it but at the back of my head I never really contemplated it coming into play.

********************

The year hasn’t been a complete waste, we’ve learnt a few things about ourselves and how complex the donor process can be, and how frustrating donors themselves can be! During this year alone we found a Donor, we lost a Donor, we found a new Donor, and then finally got rid of them. On top of this, we have found several genuine people who I would now call friends. These include other couples in the same boat as us; couples who we can confide in and talk to, as well as those who have just leant a helping hand during the process, and for that I am very thankful. At least the process hasn’t been a complete waste.

Baby making aside, we’ve moved home and started a healthy eating regime which has seen S and I lose over 5 stone between us in just under 3 months! I’ve also been occupied with my gorgeous Nephew who came into the world just under a year ago but is growing up fast.

53687_253870378093501_1648255631_oHowever, no matter what has been accomplished, we are still as far away from our main goal as we were when we started a year ago, except perhaps a bit more knowledgable of the process. 

Looking forward, I am going to get serious and look into the possibility of fertility issues, and by this I’m going to start with getting myself tested for PCOS. As mentioned, I don’t want to look for problems that may not be there, and sure we’ve only been trying on and off for a year but I also don’t want to stick my head in the sand and continue trying for a baby when there may be issues. It will not only be a waste of our time, but a waste of time for our next donor.

It’s really heartbreaking, especially when I see dozens of undeserving people be given the gift of a child not knowing how damn lucky they are, but I guess I can guarantee that if it does happen for us, our children will know that they were wanted more than anything else in the world.

K.

0 thoughts on “1 Year On…

  1. Maternity Ideas says:

    I’m sorry to hear you’re going to have to look further into the reason why you are yet to conceive but if there is a problem, I hope it reveals something you can sort out and your dream can come true. I can’t imagine how much strength it takes to get through a year of this emotional rollercoaster but try and soak up the positive vibes anyone reading your post will be sending your way to help keep up your optimism. While a year may seem an unsettling length of time, you still have so much to hope for. So far there is no known reason you won’t succeed and even if there turns out to be, so much can be done these days that you still have a very real, tangible chance of having your very own little one. I’m sure you know all this but sometimes when you’re struggling in the middle of it all for a long time, it helps when someone spells it out to you. This is the first time I’ve read your blog but I will be coming back to see how you get on. All the very best to you both. Love, Haze xx

  2. pincushiontobaby says:

    I know where you’re coming from. A year is a long time. We started monitoring my ovulations last november, after I came off of a year of the pill to treat my endometriosis. Soon thereafter we went through all the initial testing (open tubes, blood tests from beginning and middle cycles to see what my hormone levels are, meeting with a psychologist) and in January at my first cycle we started trying. I think I’ve said this before…infertility and reasons for attempts not working are manyfold and can’t necessarily be easily explained by endometriosis or PCOS or anything else–sometimes it’s just bad luck. I just read on another person’s blog I follow here, that even if the egg gets fertilized, there’s still so much that can go wrong before implantation or even after, due to chromosomal abnormalities. We had success at our seventh attempt, IVF, because it was clear that the IUI’s just weren’t going to make it happen. Out of the fourteen follicles they collected, there were only seven eggs, which all successfully fertilized, but only two survived and divided normally. That can give you an idea of the odds happening inside your body too–sometimes there’s a great follicle, but no egg. Sometimes there’s an egg, but the egg is just “bad”. You never know.

    All I can say is, don’t give up yet! It can take a long time. Take a break if you need to to gather strength. Look into other options if you can. I definitely have faith in you!

    • lesbemums says:

      Awww. Thank you so much. It’s really helpful to get further info and advice.

      I guess our first thought was always going to be PCOS because we’re reading more and more about it, and it’s more common than we thought, but we forget that the process of pregnancy has to jump through many hoops before it’s a baby (just shows how unlucky these girls who have “accidents” are).

      The reason we’re thinking about fertility issues is because I have no family history of fertility issues, so why am I having issues? That’s our main thought. Perhaps I just haven’t had enough sperm yet?

      Thanks again. Xx

      • pincushiontobaby says:

        We were also surprised at how frequently embryos just divide abnormally and don’t survive, even though everything up til then goes perfectly. Apparently some women have exceptionally good percentages of having eggs inside the follicles, or just have no other glitches like PCOS etc. to complicate it even more.

        (One lesbian couple we know had lots of odds going against them–the one who was going to carry was (and still is) quite overweight and was already 37 when they started trying..and with both their kids she was advised to lose weight to improve their chances, and BOOM, pregnant on the first IUI both times!! )

        Some people I guess are just SUPER fertile.

        You’re right. It’s so much more intricate and complicated than just sperm and eggs, and unlike our friends that I described above, it takes a whole lot of patience and trying to get all those puzzle pieces to line up, and even then, nothing is certain until the baby is born–the chances of miscarriage even never goes all the way down zero, though after 7 weeks if the heart is beating and the embryo is growing normally, the chances of carrying to full term are already 96%!

        Through the IVF process we’ve both learned so much about how babies are made, it’s ridiculous. What they teach in school is just the tip of the iceberg!

  3. Molly says:

    God, this got me on so many levels. I hear you. In 8 months of trying, we’ve only had 1 “successful” attempt so far and some days (today in particular) all I want to do is cry.

    For me, PCOS presented itself with 40+ day cycles, and either NO positive OPKs, or a positive OPK VERY late in the cycle (around day 25 or 30). There was also that one instance of 30 days of bleeding. That was fun. I tell you that not to discourage you from looking into further testing, but simply to offer some reassurance that if you’re having regular cycles and getting those positive OPKs, you probably don’t need to worry much about PCOS.

    All I can tell you is that even if there is a problem, you will find a way to make it work. For me, it feels like that’s the only option.

    Hang in there, and we’ll hang in there with you guys!

    • lesbemums says:

      Wow. Thank you so much for this. As mentioned before, PCOS is something we’re thinking about because it’s more common than you think and because I tick boxes, but at the same time they can cover other issues also.
      At the same time it’s useful to get first hand information to reassure us.

      I’ll may still get tested just to tick a box off otherwise it’ll play havoc at the back of my mind, but it’s useful to get first hand advice, so thank you do much. Xx

  4. AndiePants says:

    Its definitely legitimate to get some testing done after a year of trying (I don’t care if that usually means 12 ‘tries’ – I think it applies for you!) – especially if it won’t be too costly for you. In all honesty, I wish we would have opted to have testing done earlier.
    As an FYI – PCOS is often overdiagnosed, so its important to see a doctor who can actually make a good diagnosis. Many women who have poly cystic ovaries do NOT have PCOS. Make sure they are testing your hormones, blood glucose and insulin levels, and ultrasounds of your ovaries.
    Also, I would recommend getting semen analysis for your donor(s) – I know you switched it up, but this is another thing I wish we had gotten done sooner.
    Also good to keep in mind that the ‘average’ fertile hetero couple (with unlimited access to ‘trying’) can take a year or more to conceive. So, while I am pro testing, I also don’t think its time to panic just yet.
    Sending you many fertile thoughts!

    • lesbemums says:

      Thanks. This is really useful. It’s amazing that no matter how much reading we do, nothing compares to first hand info or at least those that have had the advice given to them.

      I think because I have control freak tendancies I can’t deal with not knowing why something isn’t working, and because of OCD I can’t deal with it when a plan goes awry.

      I’d love to ask Mother Nature why she’s made it so difficult!

  5. Rachael says:

    I’ve not been following that long, but I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I hope that you can find a way to make this work. I know that last line, “our children will know that they were wanted more than anything else in the world.” is what’s most important. I know the feeling of being bitter and angry at undeserving parents who don’t know what they have. I get it. I can’t wait until we can see you go through the next stage of your life, it will come, I just know it, it’s likely a hard road and may take longer than you thought but the words will seem empty right now, but “It will be worth it.”

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